Adrift (where the sea is taking me)

florist in London

Being in Europe was like being handed the keys to a speedboat. My life was suddenly filled with new sights and sounds and I was moving. Even when I settled into a routine in Spain life was still beautiful and rich with momentum. Everything was new. I had amazing food, language to absorb and attend to, new things to snap photos of everyday, and a constant bubbling of excitement.

At a Tea House in LondonA cloudy skyline, royal ironwork, individually wrapped sushi and Wicked!

Now I feel like I took the speed boat out onto the open seas and the motor stalled. Try as I might it just won't start. I'm back home and the momentum is gone. Somedays the speed I felt before seems like a distant memory that might have been a dream. My trip does kind of seem like a dream. I've been home less than a month but that time away feels so distant and the feeling of being back again seems to shadow all that happened.

The Pipilotti Rist exhibition at the Hayward Gallery in LondonAt the Southbank Centre...I would take this residency any day!

I even saw the Queen during my dreamy adventures!

I am back and the sea is calm but insistent and I wonder where it is taking me. Without a working motor taking me speeding ahead I am noticing the things that make me uncomfortable...feeling those feelings that I don't want to feel. The doubts about whether I am in the right place in my life. The fear of loneliness and rejection. Some days I feel like the sea is pulling me in various directions just to mess with me. 

But then again there is evidence that the sea knows better than I do. There is evidence that the sea is taking me places I could never have planned to go. I am learning to take advantage of this open schedule and self-employed lifestyle. I am scheduling time with friends, inspirational trips, and making exciting plans but not quite finding enough time to paint yet. It will come. I will insist.

Sarah Ahearn Bellemare's show in Northampton (and her daughter, Ada)

Some guerilla knitting found near my home.

A day at the new Wishstudio in Newburyport with Mindy Tsonas

So I am learning to be adrift. I usually have one mode: Go. (And then there is Crash but I try to pretend that doesn't happen.) This feels like neither. This feels like a mix of fate and adventure. This feels like real exploration...not the kind on a trail but the kind in the jungle with no map. The kind that comes with uncertainties, unknowns and fear. I shall be brave and find out where the sea is taking me.